People have turned to alcohol for a bit of ‘Dutch courage’ on first dates for decades – but now many of us are flipping the script
January: the bleakest month of the year. Sorry Capricorns, but it’s cold, it’s wet and any lingering festive feeling has been dialled back down to zero. But despite the dreary outlook, it’s not all doom and gloom, and the dawn of 2024 provides the perfect opportunity to leave your self-doubt and toxic situationships in the past and embrace all things new and exciting.
For many people, this means ditching the booze and opting for a dry (or damp) January. According to campaign group Alcohol Change, a quarter of people aged 18 to 34 are planning to abstain from drinking this month. The benefits are evident, from saving money to dodging excruciating hangovers to improving our physical and mental health. But what happens when you add the wild world of dating into the equation? As more and more people are choosing to forgo Dutch courage, how is embracing an alcohol-free lifestyle impacting the modern horror of Hinge meetings and first-date small talk?
Catherine Gray, author of the bestselling The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, can shed some light on why people are increasingly opting for lime sodas. “Alcohol confuses how we feel about our date. Frequently on the 7pm first drink we’ll think ‘meh’. On the second drink, ‘meh’ is a little more mesmerising. Rinse and repeat four times, and suddenly you’re heavy petting someone you wouldn’t even ordinarily lightly pet,” she says. In a society where a first date usually involves drinking until it’s last orders or one of you is drunk enough to suggest a trip back to theirs, sober dating is emerging as a conscious choice and a way to scope out the situation without the numbing haze of alcohol and the impulsivity that hits past the three-pint mark.
Plus, drinking is expensive. Those £6 transactions stack up after a night on the sauce, leaving your Monzo pot dwindling with every swipe and superlike. So it’s no surprise that in these trying times, young people are ditching the drinks to cut some costs. After all, multiple hungover Deliveroos aren’t particularly conducive to the cozzie livs.
The clock is constantly ticking in our capitalist society, too. We spend so many of our waking hours at work, meaning we’re especially keen to not waste any time on botched, drunk Hinge dates. Not only does a hangover render you zombiesque and pretty much useless the following day, but the prospect of multiple drunk dates with someone you don’t actually like while sober is taking away valuable time that could be spent with someone who won’t ghost you when you start showing signs of being an actual human being.
“Sober dating saves immense time and money,” Gray says. “A quick walk along the river at lunchtime will tell you everything you need to know.” Being sober also allows us to see the person beside us in the clear light of day, and although wasting time can be one of life’s great joys, pursuing meaningless connections built on being blackout the first time you meet isn’t actually a prerequisite for finding the love of your life.
@thursdaydating Thanks for the pre-drinks @zerozilchzipuk 😉 #soberdating #sobercurious #thursdaydating #single #singlelife #alcoholfree #luckysaint #nonalcoholicdrinks #soberlife #foryou #fyp ♬ Love You So - The King Khan & BBQ Show
Despite the pros, the course of true love never did run smooth, and sober dating isn’t without its challenges. After all, even with the addition of half a bottle of wine, finding a genuine connection with someone isn’t as easy as staring into each other’s eyes and seeing the future unfold in rose-tinted technicolour. Alcohol has a way of sanding off the awkwardness and making us temporarily feel like the sparkliest, sexiest versions of ourselves, even if that means telling a really irrelevant and convoluted story way too loudly. As one Dry Jan devotee puts it: “Gagging for a glass of red when out for dinner is tough, and if you say something psycho or out of pocket you can’t blame it on the alcohol.”
Until very recently, drinking on dates has been the norm. They get the first, you get the second, and it all gets a bit blurry around the third. Meeting new people can be a scary situation and alcohol isn’t exactly a novel way of calming the nerves. “Alcohol does a dance of veils around your anxiety, and being alcohol-free takes some serious getting used to,” Gray says. “This is why sober dating is best done while moving, in daylight, not staring at each other, and in environments where there’s lots to discuss.” Luke, a London-based creative dabbling in sober dating, adds that this can be difficult in the UK. “We need to embrace the European way and keep cafes open after 5pm,” he says. “In [the UK], the only option is to go to a pub – especially in the winter – so it makes drinking inevitable.”
Adopting a more continental approach to cafe culture may put an end to our hard-drinking ways, as the problem is largely a British one. As one north-London-turned-New-York inhabitant explains, the stereotype around drinking in the UK does seem true. “Americans will stop after two drinks with no problem, and it’s rare to actually get drunk on a date,” she explains.
“We need to embrace the European way and keep cafes open after 5pm. In [the UK], the only option is to go to a pub – especially in the winter – so it makes drinking inevitable” – Luke
That said, sobriety is on an upwards spiral worldwide, with the latest YouGov poll showing that 39 per cent of drinking age Gen Zers in the UK don’t drink at all. This shift is evidenced by the increasing number of sober-curious individuals like Suzy. “It’s easier to assess if I actually like them and have a conversation flowing naturally, rather than feeling stilted and forcing myself through an interaction by drinking. If you naturally click with someone, you don’t need alcohol,” she says. Sadhbh, who has been sober for two years, adds: “My memory, mental health, recall, ability to enjoy myself, and sense of stability in who I am have all improved by not drinking. I now know what I want and don’t want from life, and I prioritise that instead of getting waylaid.”
So, just as a dog isn’t only for Christmas, sobriety and sober dating may not just be for Dry Jan. Whether you’re saving for your next Depop find, dying to skip the hangover or just wanting to remember every little detail of that Carhartt-wearing creative, sober dating has many pros and it’s no surprise so many people are turning teetotal. Britain may be a little slower in jumping on the bandwagon than our more worldly counterparts, but the tide rapidly seems to be turning in favour of sobriety across the globe. Perhaps healthy, happier lives await. Or perhaps we’ll all have packed it in come February 1st. Only time will tell.